Write On

Florida. Man!

That’s what I was thinking the whole time I stayed in Ocala, Florida, working remotely and spending time with my eight-year-old nephew. But oh, that Sunshine State. I mean, where to start? Sure, there’s the heat, although treeless Philly could rival it; and the bugs, though again, between lanternflies and giant South Philly cockroaches, my town has bragging rights.

But Florida is special. There were the big, bristly feral hogs I’d see sometimes while driving down the highway. There were people standing on medians holding up cardboard signs declaring “Trump Won!” and “Democrat At War With American People.” My sister, as we cruised past the latter guy, told me he’d been out there every day for months.

I mean, Florida. Is it a punchline? Or a headline? Or both?

You’ve got to wonder, with recent gems like:

“Drunk Florida Man Drives Lawnmower on Highway”

“Florida Man Clings to Semi Truck Speeding Down Highway” (yes, there is a video)

“Florida Man Arrested After Hitting Girlfriend in Face with a Burrito.”

“Shoplifting Florida Man Flees Store, Strips Naked as Steaks Fall Out of His Pants”

If one were to do a word cloud of the floridaman.com website, the words “Drunken” and “Naked” would be the biggest and boldest. But there are other headlines, too. If I were to write one, it would read:

“Florida Man Ignores Science, Spreads Covid Everywhere”

And that Florida Man would be the state’s very own governor, Ron DeSantis. DeSantis has issued a ban on school systems issuing mask mandates. He signed an executive order that restricts the ability of Florida city and county governments to impose coronavirus emergency orders, including mask mandates. He tried to ban cruise ships from sailing out of Florida’s ports if they imposed mask mandates, in particular engaging in a duel with Norwegian Cruise Lines, which sued the Florida government.

All this has happened even as the Delta variant has pummeled the state like a hurricane. As of mid-August, Florida has had 41,000 deaths throughout the pandemic, and more than 11,500 hospitalizations just this month—breaking last August's record. These numbers are hitting more under-resourced communities the hardest.

Critics of mask mandates and so-called vaccine passports say that both violate America’s sacred principles. But here’s my take: before you can have “liberty” and “the pursuit of happiness,” you kind of need the “life” part. Covid-19 really throws a wrench in that plan.

Florida, of course, is more than coronavirus, hot weather, feral hogs, and naked, drunken Florida Man. The state parks are amazing for hiking, shaded by the lush fronds of palm trees—you just have to remember to bring your bear spray. My siblings and I, along with my nephew, visited Olustee Battlefield, discovering how our great-grandfather’s grandfather was wounded there as a member of the United States Colored Troops who fought to stymie the Confederate army. And we spent time in the crazy theme park capital of the world that is Orlando.

Perhaps most of all, I did a lot of reading. Because the headlines in Florida never stop coming, and never fail to deliver a “WTF?”

By that, of course, I mean “What the…Florida?”